Class It Up!

Today's thought...What DOES a pole dancer look like?

"You don't look like a pole dancer."  You know, that's a loaded statement.  Years ago I was telling someone at my local haunt JJ's - if you're friends with me on Facebook you'll know of where I speak since it's the ONLY place I go - that I was a pole dance instructor.  His reply was just that I didn't look like someone who would pole dance.  Recently, someone said this about my little potato - that she didn't look like a pole dancer.  I then thought to myself - well, that's quite offensive.  What does a pole dancer look like?  What image comes to mind when I say the word pole immediately followed by the word dancer?  How does one look like a pole dancer?

In the case of the gentleman (using the term loosely) who thought I didn't look like a pole dancer - that was probably a compliment.  I think that men think pole dancers have double D breasts, wear 8 inch heels, teeny bikini's, smell like cupcakes with pink, supple, pouty lips.  Ofcourse he looked at all 5'5, 120 pounds of A cup me and thought that I didn't fit the stereotype.  I am pretty sure he was complimenting me.  Interestingly enough over time since he's a regular drunk he's built quite a respect for pole dancers, learned a few things he didn't know about women, women's sensuality and the pole.

Now, on to my little potato - this is a name of endearment, by the way, she's really not a potato.  The person who questioned MLP's look of a pole dancer was a woman.  When women say things like this there is a loaded paragraph of unspoken judgments being made.  The woman met MLP and me at the same time.  I showed her videos of MLP and of myself.  You know what is so amazing about my MLP?  Her ability to flow, dance, spin, GRIND and be especially sexy.  She oozes femininity.  But, those things seemed to be lost on the woman who couldn't wrap her head around MLP being a pole dancer.  In fact, MLP is often dismissed and ignored when she's with me, which makes me sad, because MLP  is my rock, my heart and my soul, she's the one who lifts ME up, gives me the courage to dance with my heart in front of crowds of people, believes in me when I don't, believes in my messages when I am too scared to share them.  MLP is the one who has sat tirelessly on the couch eating smart pop watching me have emotional break downs whilst attempting to channel that energy into a story, into a dance that I have to tell.  MLP is the one who taught me the Janeiro, helped me clean up my lines, taught me to be emotionally raw with my movement.  Here we are, two women different ages, different styles, differing in appearance and SHE'S the one who "doesn't look like a pole dancer?"  Um, so what are you saying I look like?  What are you saying?

I've been giving a lot of thought to what a pole dancer is, what they look like and what impression I would like to give those who know nothing about pole.  You see, as pole grows, I think the image of, specifically pole performers (not exotic dancers), is and will continue to change.  A long time ago if you said you were a pole dancer the "stripper" image came to mind, while that is one type of pole dancer, it's no longer the all encompassing world view of pole dancers.  As competitions gain more notoriety  as we push forward in Olympic goals and studios like S Factor ride the PR media wave - the world is starting to realize that pole dancing is an art and a sport.  Pole dancing is less associated with it's roots (blog for another time) and becoming known as a trendy way to get fit, a form of aerial arts and gymnastics.  As we challenge the world's view of the pole and change their perspective they are beginning to have different images and associations in their head.

The new and improved pole dancer image includes monokini's, ultra thin and lithe dancers, long legs, athletic builds...and ultimately what we know as "tricksters."  The upper echelon pole dancing athlete will soon enough become the mainstream image associated with non nude pole performing.  What does this mean?  I guess it means to look like a pole dancer you gotta be ripped.  In a nutshell.  As you are reading this, you might be thinking that this ripped image of a girl in modest sports apparel performing feats of defying gravity is a positive thing, and you know, for the most part it probably is.

So, what's the problem?  Maybe we are telling women that pole is all about looking and performing like a gymnast instead of dancing, learning and creating a better and healthier inside and out.  What if that woman thought MLP didn't look like a pole dancer because she's not 20, she's tall, she has curves and breasts, so she doesn't look like gymnast or a dancer but a woman.  It is my opinion that the image of a ripped, trained dancer is as negative as the image of a stripper.  The most amazing thing about the pole movement is that it is for everyone.  I think about the men I know who pole dance, do they not "look like pole dancers" because they are men?

Keep in mind that my agenda here isn't to talk about what people look like or make judgments in fact it's the opposite.  I want to open up dialogue about the images we have and the images the world may have, I want to show ourselves as well as the rest of the world that every single PERSON, man or woman, is beautiful!  I want to show that pole dancing is more than tricks and heels, it's the art of self expression, it's a journey for many PEOPLE that takes them down a spiritually, mentally and physically healthier path to a better them.  That the better person at the end of that path isn't better because they lost a few pounds or learned a few hard tricks but the better person is better because they can share themselves in an artistic way with others, or  maybe grind out a bad day in their living room, or maybe just find an increase in overall happiness and wellness.

This brings me to my title "Class It Up."  One of the most powerful things is being in a class full of pole dancers.  Did you know on your first day of class - you are now a pole dancer?  Even if you are a pole dancer for 20 minutes, you are one, you are surrounded by pole dancers.  What do they look like?  Does it matter?  I've had the very rare encounter with a new pole dancer who was judgmental of fellow students or her instructor, though they exist and that's what stirred this blog.  Taking a class full of people for the first time makes you realize so many things...It makes you see yourself, see others, often be stunned by others, it makes you appreciate fear and you're allowed and even have to share that fear with your classmates.  Everyone is self conscious, you learn that.  The skinny girl with red lipstick to the older lady in the back - they are ALL scared and vulnerable just like you.  The best part is, they want to share it with you, they need to know you feel the same.  You begin to dispel any preconceived notions you had about pole dancing, perhaps it easier, perhaps it harder, perhaps you thought you would do better or maybe you did better than you thought you would, you start to lose yourself in the music and the energy flowing around the room.  Experiencing this with other women is in my opinion what truth feels like if truth were an emotion or an energy.  When you are surrounded by others you begin to realize just how unforgiving pole dancing can be, how you NEED kinship to keep going.  You begin to realize that you're body is uniquely individual, that what your body craves and loves, another body may despise and find horribly awkward.  You will probably not respect the things you can do and watch others and wish to do what they do, but know there is someone watching you and wishing they could be as beautiful as you are.  All things are so equal in so many blissful ways.

I realize not everyone can afford to or is even geographically able to join in this kumbiyah of fabulous and glorious energy sharing but that doesn't mean you can't HAVE it.  Even if you are self teaching, join a WWW.STUDIOVEENA.COM! Find friends on facebook.  Friend Youtubers.  Put yourself in a place where you can somehow reach out and be heard and someplace that you can see and appreciate others...share that energy.  Right now, SV is the place I tell EVERYONE to go because it's a worldwide pole class 24/7.  Just go, spend 15 minutes reading, 15 minutes watching.  Do you know what you will see?  PEOPLE.  People from all walks of life, all over the world, sharing their successes, failures, hopes, dreams, good times, bad times and personal lives in a single place.  No, this isn't an SV advertisement, it's my honest heartfelt opinion.  SV  is a safe 24/7 pole dancing school where you can see real dancers working it out.  I grew up pole dancer in a world of video clips and perfection, no one shared their misfortunes, no one was humble, no one shared the reality of pole which lead me to believe that my lack of strength and inability to be graceful was just ME.  I wish I had SV to grow up on because I would have learned that many feel as I do, it's journey for everyone and that I am not alone.

Look around, we are surrounded by pole dancers!  What do they look like?  They look like brilliant, amazing, strong,kind, loving people of all glorious shapes, heights, sizes, colors...pole dancers are you and me, we are a rainbow of pole dancers.

And for those who I know go darkly into themselves trying to live up to one image or another of what a pole dancer should look like, STOP!  A pole dancer looks like you and for what it's worth I think you're beautiful.

Airy Fairy Zen & The Art of Pleasing My Cat

I think it's fairly common knowledge I have a fairly emotionally codependent and perhaps abusive relationship with my cat.  See, my cat, unlike other cats - because he's sooo different, is an active ADD cat that can't still for 2 seconds, unless ofcourse you lay down and throw a blanket over your legs and create a safe kitty hammock with your legs - then he's a cuddle machine.  My cat is special in that he's extremely needy but also aloof.  Apparently he does not understand that if he doesn't want to be petted every moment of the day he shouldn't have been born with the softest fur on the planet - his fault not mine.  My kitty talks incessantly, he needs to be heard, he's loud, he's boisterous, he's an in your face kind of kitty.  Like, right now - he's contemplating jumping up and meowing my face, I can feel it, he will then rub his long body under my chin, turn and sit on my computer and probably turn it off!  I'll pet him, he'll close his eyes, enjoy for about 2 seconds then get up, jump down and sit at my feet and meow at the top of his lungs.  If he doesn't get my attention he will jump on the back of my chair and start tapping me on the shoulder with his paw, if that doesn't work he will use both legs to balance carefully on my shoulders and meow in my ear.  If that doesn't work he will then start either a) eating plants - which are slightly toxic to him or b) scratch at the cabinets until I can't take it anymore.  What does he want?  To be played with and entertained.

My cat is a fairly emotional cat.  While he may run off when he's tired of the lovin's he always, always comes back for attention.  He's not very zen.  He's antsy, anxious, he's socially awkward - try ringing my doorbell - he heads for the hills!  I stepped on his very long tail once trying to rescue him from the garage and he was angry with me for a full 6 days.  He'd run when I tried to pet him, he didn't talk to me, he slept A LOT because without entertainment I.E. ME he gets bored.  I was a little hurt by his actions, after all I hadn't meant to step on his tail, he was trying to run under the barbecue and I needed to save him from eating what was probably days old drippings seasoned with bacteria!  SIX full days later, I'm laying in bed with my eyes close and feel the bed move, feel his giant paws at my feet making a spot for himself, he curls up into a surprisingly small ball and there it was FORGIVENESS.  I sat up, gave his head and chin a little rubbing, he purred and gave my squinty kitty eyes and the world was right again.  Do you see what I mean when I say this relationship is a little weird?  Just now he hopped up on Rob for a few seconds, looked at me, meowed and was clearly trying to upset me by cuddling with another...he jumped down and ran right over to me when I didn't budge.  Emotional abuse, I tell you!  I feel for Rob who loves our cat as much as I do who only gets cuddles when it suits Jengo to make me jealous.

I'm not a crazy cat lady!  Well, not entirely.  There are so many things about this that speak to me about pole and have created a rather pole zen inside of me.  In my last blog, I talked about seeing ME.  Finding out who I am is the first step in finding out who OTHERS are.  My cat hasn't quite figured out who I am yet, however because I know, I can see him for every wonderful and annoying thing he is.

It's so easy to see human nature in our animals because everything is so basic, I'm sure some feel the same about their young children but since I only have a cat it's my only point of reference.  Recently I was spending some time with some friends, I left that situation feeling angry and slighted.  I felt shown up, hurt, I felt like I wasn't good enough because each thing I did it seemed someone else could do it better, harder, bendier, faster, etc.  I was made to feel less than.  I was steaming by the time I left, not to mention I was only there as a favor to a very good friend.  I called my closest confidants, cried and vented about how some people have a lack of ability to display kindness, empathy or be a real friend.  Then I realized something...the friend who was making me feel bad, feels bad.  What if like my cat she is just really ADD and needs attention.  What is she feeling?  Was she intentionally trying to hurt my feelings?  No.  I don't believe she was nor would.  Would she be equally as hurt as I was when I recount to her what happened?  Probably.  Deep inside is there a heart that is actually good and giving?  Yes.  Does my cat jump around, meow and do all he can for attention?  Yes.  Do I love him still?  Yes.  Does it annoy me sometimes?  Yes.  Do I walk away from encounters feeling like a human cat toy (in both situations)?  YES!  Am I strong enough to understand that sometimes you DO have to take a backseat to others who need accolades and love more than I do? YES.

Then comes the 6 day fight I had with my cat about stepping on his tail.  I have over the last year had some tumultuous disagreements with others for one reason or another.  Luckily, over the months many of the issues has been solved because I learned to listen and even greater understanding of empathy.  There was one thing though, one thing a few years ago where I felt a friend had stepped on my tail - nearly literally.  I was angry.  So angry we didn't speak for over two years.  I dreamed about this friend, I missed her.  I felt fraudulent acting as an ambassador for Peace & Pole when I had not made up with someone.  THEN, I got to spend time with someone who I watched anger eat them up inside.  I saw someone so consumed with hatred that I could actually FEEL the hair on my arms stand up.  It felt awful.  I think that was the moment I realized it was time to ask for forgiveness from the one who "stepped on my tail, in my eyes."  I needed to seek out forgiveness because even though I may have felt betrayed at one point, 2 years of not talking to her, not including her, being angry with her over something so small was eating ME up inside.  So, like Jengo I offered a cuddle (well, alcohol) and we talked and we're working on rebuilding the friendship we once both cherished.

As I walk through pole lately, I'm left remembering that we all come from someplace, in order to be seen, I need to see OTHERS, their place and their journey.  I am reminded that this is a largely female based community and industry and we are emotional!  We have feelings.  They are called FEELings because they FEEL, they aren't RATIONALINGS because sometimes it's not about what's rational or facts.  While facts and truth reign supreme, feelings must also be honored whether they are right or wrong.

One more thought before I go to torture my cat with pettings.  When everything is quiet and I've got that blanket thrown over my legs, Jengo carefully makes his way to his kitty hammock, lies down, can close his eyes, spend time with me in an unselfish way and be ok.  As I write this I am beginning to realize why that safety is so important and must be protected.  I can just BE in an unselfish way with those I love who have aided me creating my safe place.  I hope that all dancers have a safe place with safe friends that they can love unselfishly and where they can just be SAFE.  Whether it's your pole room, studio, a friends house, a forum - I am hoping all of you have a safe place to go with safe people who love you.  It's really hard to expose your heart without love.  May the love you give be also the love you receive.

On that note - I'm going to play with my cat and even if he bites me, I'm going to forgive him because I know where he's coming from.

Can You See Me?

It's been ages since I wrote anything, even something simple.  I was going through a total creative block that was keeping me trapped in my head with my own thoughts that traveled so rampantly to and fro I could not grasp a single concept.

Since February of this year I started falling deep within myself, submerged with my own angst, sadness and questions about what I was doing, why I was doing it and who I was doing it for.  While drowning in myself, life decided it would not stay on hold and kept throwing curve balls, just one after another.  I watched myself recede and for the first time in my life, I let myself fade away into the darkness.  I chose not to fight it no matter what the consequences would be because I had never given into it before, perhaps that's what I needed.  I evaporated.  It was nice.  It made me feel safe.  How?  How can evaporating into your own sadness feel safe?  Because, the only way to truly understand the depth of the pain I was feeling was to go inside of it and FEEL it, be it, allow it.

I stopped teaching for the most part, I stopped dancing, I stopped performing, I stopped filming or adding much the community.  I started questioning the community.  I started seeing things that didn't add up, that didn't feel empowering within us.  I saw diversion and things that quite frankly spoke to me as being the exact opposite of empowering and uniting.  I cannot even put a finger on a singular incident that made me feel that way, I think it was an overall look at everything from local communities to the grand scale world view of pole  and across the board I began to wonder if we were over empowering people and thus somehow promoting this bad behaviour.  This thought left a really bad taste in my mouth as you can imagine.

Along this journey of searching within myself and looking at the larger picture, I began to feel fraudulent.  I began to feel invisible behind this woman named Charley.  This woman I created over 5 years ago as a place to go where I could pole, be accepted and have some anonymity.  She was never supposed to become a real girl, she was never supposed to be anything but a name on a screen.  Then the community grew and so did she.  She became the person I could hide behind and do things I never thought possible like perform a pole dance in public, teach a sexy class, BE sexy, wear stripper shoes, produce shows for every day women, give them a voice...she became the person I could never be.  She was like a winter coat and I put her on every time I left the house.  Charley, oh how comfortable Charley felt!  She is everything I want to be, although she could stand to be a little stronger and more aggressive, however inspite of those flaws, she's given me the world and let's face it, mousey little Crystal was her backbone - so she didn't have much to work with.  The thing is, this isn't Charley's journey, it's Crystal's.  Crystal wasn't able to move forward because she was letting Charley do it.  Charley was safe and loved, 2 things Crystal had not had much success in finding.  Crystal easily rolled and let Charley do the talking because for the first time in her life Crystal felt a real sense of acceptance, so what if she had to let Charley be the one to get it.

There became times that Charley and Crystal intertwined their beings, those incidents became more and more frequent.  At one point in time my facebook name was "Charley Pole."  I remember the day I married myself to my "Charley."  I sat their looking at facebook and it said "Charley Pole likes this."  Whose last name is Pole?  I ask you?  Then I decided that I would no longer be defined by the pole that I wanted to define IT.  I suppose the marriage also came to be because there were those who called "Charley" Crystal and I thought to myself - you don't know her, please don't call me that.  Some people who claimed to know "ME" but truly didn't even understand the tip of the iceberg.  I realized then that Crystal was being suffocated by Charley because she felt safe and Charley was just another wall to hide behind.  By marrying the 2 women to become one I was able to share some of the ridiculousness that is Crystal, the raw vulnerable girl who was picked on, never pretty enough, who had - at best a - tumultuous relationship with her mother, adores her father, is a crazy cat lady, has always been in love with the same man since she was 20, the girl who studied and did well in school, read books, the girl who cried once when her father made her look in the mirror and see herself...THAT girl.  When I became "Charley Crystal" the world seemed a little more right to me, though scary because there was so much less hiding.

Then came a day where Charley was no longer safe.  She was demonized into a bullying villain.  The safe place I built was no longer safe and that's why I receded.  If I couldn't be safe as Charley - where could I be safe?  Where could I go and be accepted and loved?  Why was Charley suddenly so misunderstood?  Was it because she and Crystal were merging?  Was it because I finally began to truly have a sense of self appreciation?  The moment things got bad was the moment I stopped giving, no matter who I was at that time.  The moment I could no longer GIVE FREELY and needed to think about myself was the moment it all fell apart.  It was interesting because during this time Crystal wanted to defend and hold Charley - tell her it was all okay - but how can you do that when you are the same person?  I wanted to thank Charley for everything that she had given me!  She was the reason I had been able to do so many things!  I think that's when Crystal actually grew a set and decided it was time for HER to protect Charley and honor the journey that Charley put her on...Crystal started showing up to the party a hell of a lot more.

So you're reading this and thinking, wow, schizophrenia, anyone?  No. I realize these 2 names are simply 2 parts of a single person who needed each identity to find a single person.  There is something so safe and freeing about having an alter ego, I, to this day believe in creating that safe persona to be and do all the things your heart desires.  At a certain point, at least for me, I needed to marry them in order to find the love and acceptance I so desired.  I needed to see that a persona is not a impenetrable wall of safety - eventually heart ache and pain will find that persona and devour it.  I also had to realize that this creature Charley growing within me, the creature that ate me up, was me the whole time.  It wasn't because Charley was a pole dancer, in fact pole had little do with it outside of serving as a vehicle for self growth, it was because Charley was a better vision of me and I was able to rise up and meet her, because of her.

Last month I did something I have never done before, I merged my identities into one story and shared with the world - okay a few hundred people, still felt like the world - the story of 2 women growing within one body and at the end of that story both personas want the same thing and infact one persona was CREATED to find it - self love, self worth, self acceptance inspite of my many imperfections, just at the end of the day being good would simply be enough.  And it was.

Some have asked if I was going to put Charley away.  My answer - NEVER.  She's still the part of me that makes me feel more confident, can walk into a room and take charge, organize an event, dance on a stage - I think the difference now is that Crystal isn't being swallowed up by this singular character so perhaps Charley is the dancer and Crystal is the woman.  Someone very special to me once wrote in my bio "Crystal, affectionately known as Charley."

So, my name is Crystal, I hope that I am affectionately known as Charley, that my self given nickname will continue to coexist, and that I will be seen.

Mean Girls

In our evolved, western society it seems there has always been a higher archy of women...whether it's the saint vs. whore, the wealthy vs. poor, greek vs. freak...we like to set a tone and make a statement about WHO deserves our time and who doesn't.  I'm kind of guilty of doing this.  I'm guilty of getting in a group of friends and deciding who's attractive, who isn't, who's worthy of attention, who's not, who's a whore, who's not, who's tacky, who's well dressed, who's classy, who I will spend time on who I won't, who has value and who doesn't.

I never actually thought this behavior and mindset would make it's way into the pole community.  I never thought I would see divisive commentary publicly from pole dancers, I never thought I would see women make rude comments in a pole class about their prowess, I never thought I would see women tear women down IN THE POLE COMMUNITY.  When I started pole dancing there were so few of us that it didn't matter what talent anyone had - we were elated to speak with one another, excited to know there was a world beyond our own pole rooms and youtube... in fact...to know the women on youtube were REAL, was an amazing thought.  2hen I first started pole dancing I didn't know anyone who pole danced for the sake of pole dancing personally, I didn't know that pole dancing was thing that came with a community.  I quickly found a community of intelligent, honest, caring women who welcomed me into their fold with love and encouragement.  This was not what I expected when I googled "pole dance moves" and found the Vertical Dance website...I was also shocked to realize that most of the women involved with that board were European. (What?!?!  The world doesn't revolve around America?)  So, not only were there few Americans online, there were few women from my state online.

My First
I met my first pole friend on the VD forum...I actually sent her a crazy private message because I couldn't believe my luck!  Another woman from Michigan pole dances, like in her house, like for fun, like does tricks and stuff?!?!?!  I am shocked to this day that "Kisentia" actually agreed to meet me - in a public place - ofcourse, I'm sure she thought I was nuts.  Well, I showed up at Olga's Kitchen at the Westland Mall on like NO SLEEP (I was guest djing in on a morning show for a friend of mine who then worked in the Cayman Islands) and fell in love with "Kisentia."  Immediately we made a short list of the one other person we knew who pole danced and had a pole jam!  We wanted to experience the fun sharing and sisterhood we saw in the European communities so we got together with the one other person we knew and rocked the pole silly!

Since then Kisentia and our other pole friend have gone on to become Mommies so I haven't been in touch with them for awhile, but that doesn't mean I don't think about them - especially as I write this and as I begin to experience more negativity and competitiveness from the pole community.  Back then, I thought, believed that we could ALL get along, that we were a sisterhood.  I guess I was wrong.

Pole Dancers Are People
The reason my utopia of beautiful women of shapes, sizes and ages cannot exist is because pole dancers are people.  I don't like every person I meet and quite frankly most people probably don't like me.  We co-exist on this planet together and work not make waves or ripples in those lives who we've shunned, and sadly yes, I've shunned my fair share of people and pole dancers.  Why?  Because no matter what bond you might think you share with other people at the end of the day you have to decide if that person is a right fit for you and if they aren't - you have to cast them out.  You HAVE to.  You can't surround yourself with people who are unequally yoked with you whether friend, lover or pole dancer.

What troubles me is when you get beyond the whole people thing and we still cannot agree, cannot agree to disagree and cannot move forward in the promotion of a greater cause - pole dancing.  Yes, I'm well aware that pole dancing won't feed the hungry, won't bring about world peace, won't cure loneliness, sadness, HIV, cancer or any of the other real problems that face our world; pole dancing can cure one thing...the female higher archy.  Pole dancing should bring women together who would not likely be friends to spend precious moments together in a vulnerable setting.  We may not agree with the direction of pole dancing or what it even is but we should all agree that it is a sisterhood that is in fact quite rare to find.  Who else do you know at least weekly strips down to their underwear and dances around sexily for the same sex for free?  Who else do you know works their ass off to nail some random upside down thing that will likely end in bruises and frustration?  Who else do you know in your personal like who could possibly understand the desire to dance or hang from objects?  Who else can you share your addiction with?  Your secret?

Why it sucks when you steal my tricks
I've read so many amazing articles on how to become your own woman and flourish in her and her ways.  I've learned to accept the dancer I am and work to make her better but also to enjoy my body and the things it can do.  I've learned to be pleased with the joy of moving even if it's not beautiful because dancing is freedom - and that includes the freedom to move in an ugly way so long as it feels good.  I've learned that it doesn't matter how good I am  if I'm dancing with a smile on my face.  I've learned that I don't care where I rank in the world of dancing much less pole dancing because this is something that feels good inside out.

What I haven't learned to accept is negative, competitive behavior.  Why does it suck if someone takes your trick and claims it as their own?  Because we all want affirmation that we are good.  When someone takes what's yours or even is inspired by you but would rather not discuss where the inspiration came from - that feels bad, feels like maybe I suck so bad you didn't want to mention my name or be associated with me, or it just let's me know that you are so crazy insecure that you can't give credit or more importantly respect to another pole dancer unless they are famous.  It tells me that you are more concerned with being *awesome* than with being a sister and a good person.  It tells me that I need to be a mean girl with you and not let you sit at my lunch table, and to be honest, I'd rather have you sit with me and share in all of our knowledge together and grow with you.  I'd rather you become apart of my journey and I apart of yours.  I'd rather respect one another.

Why I Give Credit
I tend to name moves after the person I saw do it...why?  I like for people to know the inspiration behind what I'm thinking.  I am so excited to find things other dancers do that I want to work with and I want that dancer to know she inspired me.  It feels good.  It's kind of like putting good energy back into the sisterhood so we can continue to grow together and develop new moves, tricks and styles together.  Without the sharing of ideas what would pole dancing be?  How many of us have watched a youtube video - mimicked what we saw and gave our inspiration no thought at all?  I know that I have and try not to do that, I think it's important to put kindness and love back into the fold, I sincerely believe that through the inspiration of others I have been able to create and inspire dancers myself and that is an amazing gift.

Is Being the BEST Worth It?
I'm not saying that pole has not turned from a sensual art into a sport - it totally has.  I'm not saying that a bit of competition isn't a good thing, it keeps us on our toes!  I have even had a very healthy, fulfilled, competitive relationship with another pole dancer.  I miss that relationship something fierce...I miss being impressed, inspired and pushed to get as good as Pole Dancer X.  I miss her cheering me on, I miss cheering her on, I miss working by myself at home thinking Pole Dancer X is so going to freak when she sees this, or "Oh yeah Ms. X got what?!?  I'm going to get it in half the time!"   I miss that competitive and loving relationship...but you know what?  We always gave each other respect and props for all the things we taught each other.  We NEVER got caught up in being better than each other, just becoming our own better dancer and we both relished in one another's success.

Winning and being the best at anything requires sacrifice.  You will not be a champion pole dancer without making sacrifices somewhere.  You won't be good at anything without sacrifice.  I ask though, is it worth the bad attitude to be a winner?  Is it worth it to be so self focused you've shut your sisters out?  Is it worth watching others and not being able to see through the sometimes unpointed toes and clumsiness?  Is it worth being unable to enjoy someone else's dancing for the sake of watching them dance NOT taking their stuff?  Is sacrificing your friendships, potential friendships worth a win?  Worth being considered the best pole dancer on the planet?  A title that so subjective it's not even funny?  Is being the best worth being a mean girl?  Is being worshiped worth the sacrifice of a loving sisterhood?

Fact.  Pole dancers of all abilities and notoriety suffer the sacrifice of our personal relationships due the amount of practice we put in.  Fact.  Pole dancers of all abilities and notoriety suffer the sacrifice of our bodies and our time, wouldn't it be nicer if we sacrificed together?

Sisterhood of the Pole
As I get ready to eat my mac and cheese and cheeseburger I'm left with a single thought...Let's all make an effort to produce more love, encouragement and inspiration into the sisterhood.  Let's pretend for a moment we aren't people with political views, religions and whatever else makes people argue...let's just be pole dancers and celebrate whatever kind of pole dancer your sister is.  Celebrate the stripper!  Celebrate the athlete!  Celebrate the dancer!  Celebrate the choreographer!  Celebrate the new and advanced alive!

I don't want to judge a dancer on her toes, movement, her heels or her bad kitty wear choices.  I don't, even in a competition setting, ever discount another dancer or not appreciate her.  I don't want to, even in a competition, think that another dancer is better or worse than me...I want to share the stage with her.  I want to share a class room with as many pole dancers - whether better or less skilled than me and damn it!  I want sisters who love and respect each other.  I want sisters who accept the outcomes of performances, competitions, competition auditions, gigs....whatever!  I want sisters who can look across the room and see that another pole dancer needs reassurance and give it to her!  I wants sisters who can step aside for a moment and enjoy someone else and relish in someone else's success and I want sisters who will support, love, encourage and find nice things to say to all pole dancers, I want sisters who will respect...I want sisters to respect.

Robot Dancer - Part One

There comes a point in time where you have to step outside of yourself as a dancer and watch yourself through the mirror.  You have look at your reflection, then stop judging it.  This blog is my journey, my personal diary of a journey that began early this year to find the inner performer and dancer and find a way to become emotionally available to her.  I'm not good at being emotionally available at all.  I'm not a touchy feely person, although I do love hugging, I don't like forced affection or sadness.  I cannot stand whiners or even whining myself.  I find myself looking in the mirror and feeling like human life, love and feelings are just puzzle pieces that need to be put back together.  I believe in finding solutions rather than holding onto despair.  I connect on a deeper level with very few people, I call it the circle of trust.  Making truly DEEP connections takes me a long time, I'm not sure if it's the fear of being hurt, the fear of knowing what it feels like to be betrayed and ripped open and knowing I never want to feel like that again or just simply how I'm wired.  I'm a very big fan of logic.  I love logic, it solves everything!  BUT sometimes...logic isn't enough.  You can't cuddle and hold logic, logic doesn't let you cry, logic doesn't let you love with all wild abandon, logic doesn't make you hot and sweaty.  Logically, it doesn't make sense to me to bear your sole to a world who has no use for it.  This is why I think I am so distant from those outside my circle of trust.  I think this is why I get uncomfortable when it gets personal.  The only person I connect with on a deeper, spiritual plane is my amazing and talented boyfriend - who by the way painted the picture to the left which inspired this blog.  He's the only one that makes logic go sit in the corner and be quiet.  He's the only one I can confess and bear my heart to...in fact, he might enjoy me using some logic every now and again.

As I walk down this path of becoming the dancer I want to be - I realized I needed to harness that emotion that I hide deep within, harness the frustration and sadness, the anguish, the past lives that I would rather see buried and bring them to the surface.  It first occurred to me back in mid March in a class I was taking that I had polished these moves yet they lacked any meaning besides being really awesome and pretty.  I had channeled this thing that I think is sexy, this thing that I love so much, yet this thing was empty...or atleast I now feel like it was empty, maybe it was half full?  I had become very good at rolling my eyes in the back of my head, swaying to the music and getting lost in fulfilling the image of what I saw in my head.  Filling up stereotypical images isn't enough - in fact, I've become so good at rolling my eyes in the back of my head and losing myself in the music that I found myself hiding beneath layers of sensuality.  I started to put my sexuality on a platter so that I could hide and be safe.  I'd rather be sexy than exposed.

Then came my stint with stripping.  I began using my clothing as the metaphor for shedding my layers of thoughts and feelings...but really it was another way of hiding.  I could expose parts of my body so I wouldn't have to expose how I felt, in case those feelings we rejected, somehow invalidated.  It's easier to be rejected for being too sexy than it is to be rejected for an honest portrayal of what lies beneath.  Don't get me wrong the physical act of stripping pushed me to begin to toy with the idea of exposing myself, now it's time to play with my emotional clothing and shed that.  I am a big fan of stripping and grinding it out, there's nothing that feels better to me after a moment of hell than to whip the hair and tear the clothes off and roll around on the floor.  In fact some of those never seen before moments ARE the real moments, the moments and things I am talking about hiding, that never get seen because of fear.

It takes a lot of courage and inner strength to tap into the real you and put her out there.  It's scary.  With that in mind I began experimenting privately.  What if I listen, truly LISTEN to the music I want to dance to?  I started using visualization, popping in my earbuds and letting myself slip into the music without dancing, really hearing the words and the rhythms, envisioning what telling that story would look like, then what would it feel like...what if I could move my body and use my talents in a way that expressed how I feel or relate to this?  Then I started noticing my dancing looked different.  I stopped dancing for the mirror and started to live my visions.  At first, it was pretty ugly - without the mirror and my "logic" to guide me, my extensions were not what they could be, toes lacked pointing, I would pull up and sometimes find my shoulders were slumped over.  My dancing FELT better but was so much more raw and unrefined.

How do I express myself and make it pretty and draw people into my world?  How can I intoxicate?  I knew I had to start really working on FEELING the extensions and the power of the floor and the air beneath my feet.  Then it hit me - it's really hard to express yourself with a long series of advanced moves.  How am I expressing my anger at repression with a handspring?  I went back to my basics - which I use as a constant in my dance life for building strength and grace - then I find of fell in love again with the feeling of just spinning around the pole.  I started to FEEL where the aysha goes, where that handspring goes and how to use it express my strength and perhaps anger, happiness, joy, love...but I could never figure out how to USE the bad ass tricks without first finding my inner spinner and falling back in love with the simple things that can be molded and manipulated with speed and grace to tell my story.

I'm beginning to shed my nuts and bolts and become a real dancer.

F@ck The Pole!

"Karol Helms F#cks the pole!"  That was the sentence that came out of a very drunken Thursday night conversation with a non pole dancer.  When the man who had once been my radio cohort and cohost told me to stop a video of myself THAT'S what he said to me.  "Karol Helms F@cks the pole!"  I was silent for a moment.

"She F@cks the pole, she f@cks the audience, she f@cks the music!  That's what makes her so F@cking great!"

Evan Branch.  Comedian, friend, watcher and supporter of my pole dancing - said the most brilliant thing I have heard in a long time about pole dancing.

I asked Evan to host the first ever Metro Detroit Pole Dance Showcase (which Karol very graciously performed in) because of his ability to see the sexual and funny side of pole dancing.  I mean were talking about a guy who thinks that every move that involves a crotch shot is the "lunchbox."  What I didn't realize was that he paid attention to every dancer and everything about each dancer.

So in a drunken conversation about yet again another one of MY videos - he asked me to pause the video and blurted out "Karol Helms f@cks the pole!"  He then explained to me something I had never seen before and gave me the missing piece I've been looking for.  He said in all sincerity "In July, you attacked the pole and made it your bitch, it was so aggressive it made me feel awkward and uncomfortable.  Now, your f@cking the pole too."

I thought drunkenly to myself - I'm not f@cking anything.  I've never let myself go the way someone like Karol or Alethea has.  I've never really f@cked the audience - never looked at them and as Kira Lamb would say made them drink my kool-aid.

Back in August of 2010 I had the pleasure of meeting and coincidently scissoring with Michelle Mynx,  one sexy half of Gravity Plays Favorites and she taught me how to "eye f@ck."  Each and everytime she did it to me I had these goosebumps going up my spine, I am not going to lie, I was a little turned on - and I'm not attracted to women in that way.  She also f@cks the audience, f@cks the pole and f@cks the music.

So where I am leading you with all the pole f@cking?  Personally, I've spent so much of time AFRAID of the fricken pole, scared of falling off of it, in distrust of my body that I've never been able to f@ck it.  I see this all the time - some of us, we're trying to bust our asses to get new moves to show the pole whose boss instead of hustling it and making it give us what we want.   The pole will provide our every fantasy and desire but we have to let it.  We have to be open to it, we have be gentle and make IT want US.  Yes, I know I'm talking about an inanimate object that has no thoughts or feelings...but still the pole to many dancers embodies challenge.  It doesn't always have to be a challenge.  When do we as dancers gain the confidence to f@ck that pole so good, it won't want anyone else on it?  All of the greats, they don't have to continually prove the pole is their bitch...maybe that's why they're great - they've already made the apparatus their bitch.  Their body is their bitch, the crowd is their bitch - it's all assumed.  There is so much POWER in controlling what you expose to your pole or to your audience.  You don't have to PROVE anything when you're dancing or performing - just show them who YOU are.  What are YOU feeling?  It's all about YOU and YOUR GRATIFICATION!

Tonight, I f@cked the pole.  I don't even know what I did but I know it felt good.  I was in control.  I knew the pole was my bitch, it didn't have a choice.  I finally felt that POWER that trained dancers that I admire and girl crush on have confessed that they feel when the DANCE.  I didn't doubt myself.  I wasn't afraid of a cold piece of steel.  I was in control.

Now, I am realistic enough to know this feeling can only last so long in the ebb and flow of self discovery and self esteem, but for now...f@ck the pole.  Make love to it.  Make IT desire YOU.  TRUST yourself and  your body.  Do what feels GOOD to your body and your pole.  It doesn't matter if you can't do a friggin iron X or some stupid advanced thing...f@ck it like it's johnny Depp and you'll never have the chance to do it again.  It feels good.

Bad Romance

My love affair with pole dancing started 4 years and 3 months ago.  I installed a pole, had lost my job, had some lingerie and a dream...going upside down on a pole.  I wanted it so bad as if being upside down would give me clarity to the issues I would soon face about my future and my career.  I got lost in the need and desire to dance around this object everyday and became obsessed with a site called youtube; which prior to this affair I had never heard of.  One sunny January day after my boyfriend had left for work I logged into the youtube and began searching videos and watching and thinking and watching and thinking then walked to pole, back to the computer, to the pole, to the computer in a dance.  Finally I decided that was it - time to suck it up and just do it.  I nailed my invert!  First try!  It scared the shit out of me because I hadn't really thought about what the sensation would be like.  At that time, I didn't even know you had to have skin exposed to grip the pole, I just kinda thought it was magic or skill or something I didn't possess.  There I was hanging upside down a peek a boo pole I couldn't even climb.  I am so lucky.  I'm lucky I survived my own stupidity and am here to even write this blog.

From that first invert I was hooked into a dangerous addiction that would take me years to get over.  Once I realized I could flip upside down - that wasn't enough.  My dream morphed into something else and I am not sure what it was now, but the feeling of power I had made me drunk and hungry for more.  After proving myself to be nothing short of amazing, I say this tongue in cheek because this IS how I felt,  I found some more moves that became my new dream...scorpio was my new drug and I had to have it and I think I actually nailed it somewhere in that fateful day I nailed the invert.  You see, I didn't know these moves were supposed to be hard and although they were difficult and tiring, I thought there was something wrong with me because all I could see was dancers on youtube doing far more "upside down" things than I what I could do in a day.  It never occurred to me that pole dancing took practice and skill because all I could see was flawless video clips of gorgeous aerial angels dancing through my head as I played on my pole.

About a year into pole dancing I had been equalized and seasoned.  I learned that the things I had been pushing my body to do were unsafe for most, yet in my head, not unsafe for me.  It was then that I ventured down the path of teaching.  Why did I want to teach?  I want to give other women the same feeling of power I had every time I nailed a trick.  I wanted to give other women that skip in their step that comes from being strong, agile and athletic.  I was still trick addicted at this time and luckily ran across some very important people that taught me to temper my tricks with dance.  The addiction to push beyond reason was still very strong in me and I needed to find others who felt the same way, that shared the same sickness, that could only get high on mastering every trick they saw.  My intentions were so very true and honest.  I wanted to show the world that I wasn't SEXY!  I'm STRONG and able to do great tricks!  I wanted to spread this gospel to other women.  I was sick.

I didn't actually start teaching until about 6 months later.  By this time I had come to see and value the human body in a way I could never value my own.  I wanted to nurture and care for the bodies in front of me and I was so soft and timid with them.  I was a virgin teacher afraid of hurting her students, afraid to let them grow wings and fly themselves.  Ofcourse there was there was the issue of liability which again scared the shit out of me more than that first invert ever did.  But at this point I had left a studio to pursue my own thing, was unsure of this decision, scared of hurting someone and finally beginning to face the fact that I was a junkie.  I wasn't pole dancing because it made me feel good, I was doing it to get high on nailing new tricks.  Oh yeah, I told myself it was for fitness but it really wasn't...I was reclaiming power I had lost in a 3 year nightmare of chauvinism.  Pole to me was POWER.  Power because I could do things men couldn't.

It was an early May morning and very warm, I set up my four poles and stood in front of scared, excited and shy faces looking at me and I realized in that moment a new kind of power.  This power had to be handled gently with love and consideration.  I immediately forgot what I was doing and felt overwhelmed with the charge of raising up new pole dancers.  I couldn't raise them to be my junkie friends.  I couldn't show them inverts and knee holds I had to start from the beginning but I myself had no beginning.  AH, but I did!  The day I put that pole up was something like December 22nd, it was a Christmas present for my boyfriend.  So clearly the feelings of that night rushed into me like a wave of sedation.  I wanted to be his sexy stripper for the night!  I wore a slutty Mrs. Clause string bikini and danced around the pole to Nine Inch Nails and fell so in love with how great it felt to dance that I kept dancing so long, he put his pants back on and said to come get him when I was ready.  Coincidently I did go get him when I was ready - I've never left him hanging, pun intended.

So in 30 seconds I relived the last 18 months of  my life and had to face an addiction and still pull myself together to raise up these women in front of me.  Deep Breath.  We all grabbed our poles and walked around it, one thing led to another and 12 women were taking turns grinding up and down the pole, giggling and blushing.  This is the moment that my life made sense.  After 3 years of putting up with asshole men who thought they were smarter than me - yet relied on me to make them successful - 18 months of getting high on the fact that I'm so strong and awesome now, I was exposed and exposing others.  I had spent so much time denying that pole dancing was sexy that I personally had a hard time teaching them to grind on the pole.  I had a hard time teaching them to be sexy and transitions fluidly.  I mean, I had always kinda tried to dance and dabbled with being sensual and did really want to be seen as that but my head never accepted that part of me.       I guess I had been so trapped by male perceptions that it became my prison and I was afraid to be anything less than strong...then in a single moment a group of women brought me back to earth.  Those women taught me far more than I could ever teach them.  That first group of women exposed so many of my flaws and gave me the desire to fix them, I'm sure they have no idea how they changed the path for me.

So why am I blogging about trick addictions and the women who broke me down and reminded me to dance?  Because.  Because we all need to check ourselves to keep our dancing authentic and feeling good.  When I tell a student to dial it down for a second, I'm not being a bitch,  I protecting that gorgeous body and pushing you into the moment I was in the first time I danced on a pole.  That feeling of nakedness, fear, that feeling of letting it all flow out, that feeling of being EROTIC, sexy and wanted, that feeling of power that comes from YOU - not your tricks, not your clothes, not your shoes, not your job...that thumping, pounding music, that cold steel pole, that lost feeling that takes into a world where everything disappears...that feeling of being girl.

How often in our day do we get to be fucking girls?  Just girls?  Sensual, pretty, weak, strong, ok, wanted, needed, desired, emotional, tearful, laughing GIRLS?  Curvy, beautiful, scared little girls.  We need to push ourselves to fear the woman inside then dig a hole for her to come out.  Pole dancing shouldn't end when you walk off your pole or out of the studio.  Pole dancing should be in our veins, in our walk, in our thoughts and I don't mean a gross obsession but we should be taking strength and courage from it in the RIGHT ways.  We have this great gift that allows us to investigate our femininity and masculinity - we should allow it to envelope us in HEALTHY ways.  It's not your tricks or your dance, it's you.